-I thought if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to write out my weekly
Thank You notes right now. Is that okay with you guys? -[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughing continues ] -What’s your problem, man? -It made me laugh. So well set up. -Well, I just —
I don’t have time. -You usually check your e-mail.
-I’m very busy. I check my inbox.
-Yeah. -Return some e-mails,
and, of course, send out my weekly
Thank You notes. -Yeah, exactly.
-Today is Friday. That’s what I do. James knows how
to play the piano. -Really? Does he? -James, can you play
something on the piano? [ Tranquil music plays ] -Oh, beautiful. -It sounds like
thank you notes writing music. -Yeah, it does.
-Yeah. -Beautiful piano playing. -[ Clears throat ] -Thank you, Betty White, celebrating
her 98th birthday today. Or as Bernie Sanders put it,
“Oh, to be young again.” [ Laughter, cheers ] Nope. [ As Bernie Sanders ]
“That was a great year.” -[ Chuckles ] -[ Normal voice ]
Thank you, Tom Brady, for moving out of Boston the same week
as the Red Sox cheating scandal. If things get any worse
in that city, people in Boston
might start drinking. [ Laughter, cheers ] Thank you, Uber Eats, for somehow
making it seem normal to stand in my underwear as
a stranger hands me a burrito. [ Laughter, cheers ] -Thanks, man. -Big fan, dude. Thank you, streaming services,
like Peacock, Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+,
and Apple TV+, and Quibi for making me wish
there was some way to bundle you all up into one. We could call it… cable. [ Laughter, cheers ] -Nice. That’s a thinker.
That’s a thinker. -Preach! Preach! -Church. ♪ Take me to church ♪ [ Mumbling lyrics ] ♪♪ [ Mumbling continues ] ♪ Take me to church ♪ [ Mumbling lyrics ] ♪♪ -What?
-Sing the words. -What? I have no — Something about church. ♪ Take me to church ♪ [ Mumbling lyrics ] ♪♪ [ Mumbling continues ] -Something about church! -I don’t know
the words to that at all. -Doesn’t mean you don’t love it! -I don’t know the words to it. What’s Lewis Capaldi’s song? [ Laughter ] That’s a great song. That’s a big, hit song. -Yeah, it’s like the number-one
song in the nation. -It’s a great song. How does it go?
-Almost, what is — -What’s it called again? “Someone You Love”? Does that mean anything
to anyone? -Yeah. -Yeah, yeah. -Well, how would you play it? -How does that go? -How does it go again?
It goes… ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] How does it go? ♪♪ Somebody… How does it go? Somebody I used to love?
-Yes. -No, that’s a different song. -[ Harmonizing ] ♪ I’m going under,
and this time ♪ ♪ I fear there’s
no one to save me ♪ [ Mumbling lyrics ] Yeah. [ Mumbling lyrics ] -♪ Knock, knock, knocking
on Heaven’s door ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] [ Music intensifies ] ♪ Knock, knock, knocking
on Heaven’s door ♪ -♪ Hey, hey, hey hey hey ♪ -♪ Knock, knock, knocking
on Heaven’s door ♪ -No, no, no. That’s not it.
That’s not it. -♪ Never surrender! ♪ ♪♪ That’s just ska. -You’re doing
the Axl Rose version. -♪ I let my guard down ♪ [ Mumbling lyrics ] -♪ And then you pulled the rug ♪ ♪ I was getting kind of used
to being someone you loved ♪ [ Mumbling lyrics ] -♪ I’m going under,
and this time ♪ ♪ I fear there’s
no one to turn to ♪ -[ Mumbling lyrics ] -♪ This all or nothing
way of loving ♪ ♪ Got me sleeping without you ♪ ♪ I need somebody to know,
somebody to have ♪ -[ Loudly mumbling lyrics ] ♪ Knock, knock, knocking
on Heaven’s door ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey hey hey ♪ ♪ Knock, knock, knocking
on Heaven’s door ♪ ♪ Hey, hey ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, corduroy pants, for letting everyone
at the office know when I’m walking down the hall. [ Laughter ] Zsh, zsh, zsh, zsh, zsh, zsh, zsh. Zsh-zsh-zsh-zsh-zsh! Zsh! [ Beatboxing ] -♪ Knock, knock — ♪ [ Laughter ] -Thank you, segues unicycle, for being the quickest
mode of transportation to the emergency room. [ Laughter ] -You bought a what? How’d he die?
-You bought a what? -[ Laughs ] -Thank you, spelling bees,
for being one of the best places to watch smart children cry. [ Laughter ] -Come on! -Come on!
-They choose to be in it. -[ Chuckles ]
-Gotta risk it to — -They were forced to be in it. [ Clears throat ] Thank you, the “Did You Mean”
response on Google, for being
the politest way to say, “Hey, dumbass,
you made a typo.” There you have it.
Those are my Thank You notes.