(laughter) – I’m waffles and ice cream.
– Oh, my God, that’s so you. Oh, look, look.
I’m Christmas dinner! – Oh, my God,
of course you are. – Oliver, Harlow,
you guys are going to literally
die when I tell you… What are you guys doing?
– We’re taking
that new QuizSugar quiz: What Plate Of Food Are You?
You take a selfie, and then it shows you what plate
of food you most look like. – Mm.
I’m birthday cake! So me!
(Oliver laughing) – Fish tacos!
– Hey, I wanna try. Okay. And I click to Agree. (clicking)
I got… bologna. – Hmm.
– Try again.
– Okay. – Yeah.
(clicking) – I’m literally still bologna. – Okay, maybe this laying-down
position isn’t good for you. – Yeah.
– Okay. Still bologna? Come on!
This is stupid. Anyway, that thing that
I was gonna tell you about – remember how I pet-sat
for a woman in Beverly Hills? It turns out her daughter works
for Halle Berry, and Halle needs a pet-nanny
for her Labradoodle when she takes her family
to Tuscany. And she recommended me,
so I’m going on an interview
today. – The real Halle Berry?
Not like that time you got
excited about taking condoms to Meghan Trainor,
but it happened to be
a personal trainer named Meghan? – No. Not like that.
This is really her. Tuscany! With Halle Berry!
We’re gonna become BFFs, and then she’s gonna give me
all her skin-care tips, and then… I’ll be “and friend”
in all the paparazzi pics. Want to see pictures of her dog?
She posts them all the time. – Mm-hmm.
– Oh, yikes. Sammi Colt just posted
fan art again.
Look at this. (Oliver): Oh, what is that?
Is that a person? – Is that an old sponge?
– It’s supposed to be
Timothée Chalamet. (Oliver): Oh. Yeah, yikes. – Look at all the mean comments.
“Timothée Chala-monster”… – “Don’t Call Me By His Name”? – “Not So Beautiful Boy.”
– Oh. – Oh, my God, this is fun.
What’s her account name? – No, we are not piling on.
That’s terrible. – That drawing is terrible. – I’m gonna go against
the tide of haters. I’m
gonna write something nice. – Mm.
– Hmm. – “Hey, I love this.
I love Timothée Chalamet, and this looks…
just like him. #drawmebymyname” – I’m key lime pie! – Ooh, that’s actually
a really great photo of you. You should use that
for your new website. – My God! That’s a great
idea. I think I will. – There’s just, like,
this little shadow
under your eye, but I could totally fix that.
Just send it to me. – Oh, oh, okay.
– You know what? I have to get ready
for my interview
with Mrs. Berry, so I don’t really have time
for these… silly little games. (Bleep!) you, QuizSugar. (theme music) – I cannot believe that
you carried a plant to a park. – Well, it’s all in a day’s work
of being a very responsible
human being who takes excellent care
of other people’s living things. – Okay,
you’re just too much fun. – Oh, jeez, I was really going
for the right amount of fun.
Was… was that too much? – It’ll be great for Halle.
She’s just finishing
something up, but as soon as she’s done,
I will take you in. – Cool.
– Hey, have you tried that What Plate Of Food Are You
quiz? – Uh… no. No, what’s that?
– I have to show you mine. They’re hysterical.
I just posted mine on Insta, and… oh, my… Can you just excuse me
for a sec? – Yeah. – I’m… sorry, we’re gonna
have to cut this short. Something just… popped up.
We’ll be in touch. – I was just the right amount
of fun. – Well, I completely removed
that shadow from your picture, but now I kinda feel like the
other eye looks a little droopy.
Is it me? – Oh, no, yeah,
I-I can see that, too. Also, I feel like my face
looks kinda puffy. – Mm. Mm. – Why don’t you just pay
for the app? Do you like seeing
all these pop-up ads? – I was this close
to meeting her. This close to hanging out
with Halle Berry.
Then they just sent me home. – What happened?
– I don’t know. One minute she was looking at me
the way you look at a Sephora
when we pass by, and the next she was, like:
“We’ll be in touch.” (chiming)
– Oh, my God.
Liza, have you seen this? You’re “hot,
horny & in your area.” – What?
– Look. – That’s me!
– I know. – But that’s not me.
I didn’t pose for that. How the hell did
this happen? Wait. That’s my photo
from that dumb food quiz. They took my face
and they photoshopped it
on another person’s body! – Your boobs look great in that.
– Your boobs are not that big.
– Oh, my God. Halle’s assistant must’ve seen
that pop-up ad. That’s why she left.
That’s why she cut
the interview short. She was on her phone
when it happened. Oh, my God,
that’s so embarrassing. They can’t just do that.
Can they do that? – I gotta be honest.
If my boobs looked that good
in a picture, I would not be complaining
this much. – I don’t understand.
I paid you the $35 fee. Why can’t you get my photo
taken down? And now all my other stuff
is messed up. – You may need to upgrade
to our $3,000 package
to get those images scrubbed. I’ll need to talk
to my supervisor and put you–
– Sir, I… – How’s Hot & Horny?
– Horrible. And can you please stop
saying that word? I really don’t like it.
– Which one? Hot or Horny? – The second one.
Can’t we just say, like,
“excited” or something? – It lacks the alliteration
needed to give the statement
some real punch, but okay. – This is unreal. I just spent
$35 with this service
to get this picture taken down, and all they scrubbed
were the things
I’d actually want up there. And now they want me
to pay even more
to try and put it back! And yet Hot, Excited,
In Your Area
is all over the place! – Yeah, see,
“excited” doesn’t work. It’s not what your picture’s
promoting. – I don’t want my picture
(beep) – Yeah, it looks like you’re
gonna have to do the $3,000
package for the platinum scrub. – Wait.
All of my contacts are gone.
How… how did that happen? – Did you not want me to wipe
all your info from the cloud? – Not if it was gonna erase
all my contacts! – Okay, no problem.
I can restore all of your
contacts for an extra 400. – I can’t afford any of this!
I just don’t want to be
Hot & Horny anymore! Dammit, he made me say it. – I can hear your frustration,
ma’am. Let me offer you this. I’m not sure exactly
what area you’re in,
but if it’s mine, maybe we could
work something out. (both): Ew.
– God-dang-it. No. No, no, no. No. No. (exclaiming)
No! My grandma saw it.
– Mine, too, apparently.
She’s not happy. – You know, if I don’t change
every six months, that could be a code violation. – Yeah, you tell me that
every six months, actually.
– Yeah. I, uh, saw your commercial. – What was that?
– Your commercial. I guess all these gigging jobs
all lead to the same place, huh? – No, no, that’s not me.
I mean… it is me, but… it’s not.
I can explain. – No, no. Oh, gosh,
there’s no judgment. No, no. However you pay your rent
is how you pay your rent.
You know what I mean? As long as your check
clears, what do I care? – See, no, that’s…
that’s not what’s happening. I’m neither hot or hor…
excited. My image got stolen.
I took one of those stupid
quizzes and uploaded my picture, and then somehow, it ended up
on somebody else’s body
in a pop-up ad! And now
I can’t get it taken down. – Yeah, you know what?
Something seemed off.
Yeah, yeah. It just looked different
than your real body. Of course, I’ve only seen it
with clothes on. – What?
– Anyways, I have a friend
who I think can help you. Yeah. Now, she helped me
when I had an issue with…
well, some privacy stuff. And she’s very discreet. So I’m gonna send you…
her info and you can email her. Okay, now, uh, the red light,
you know, sometimes flashing
on the smoke detector. That just means it’s working,
not that there’s a camera
in there. Okay? Anyway. So, you know,
definitely never take it apart. Okay? ‘Cause then
that would be tampering, and that would be
a code violation. Okay? So I’ll see you soon. Yeah, uh… you know, in person,
because how would I… See you soon. (sighing)
– Your first mistake was agreeing to the terms
Did you even read them first? – No, I just wanted to see what
plate of food I looked like,
so I clicked Agree. – Ugh. Agree, Agree, Agree.
You sheep will click on anything
and never read a word. Look, I don’t want to say
that you deserve to get got, but does an amusing 30 seconds
of a random algorithm telling you that you look like
a cheeseburger really worth giving away your privacy
for all eternity? – No?
– Correct. Every time you log on
to social media,
buy something online, or put your card
in a chip reader, you’re basically spoon-feeding
all of your information, what you like,
what you don’t like, just so they can sell it
right back to you.
You’re just data to them, trapped in this endless loop
that they make too irresistible
to stop. Once it’s out there,
anyone can grab it
and repurpose it. You gave away all the rights
to your image – all – however and whenever
they want to use it. You’re the face
of a Brazilian pizza chain, the face of a fake news story
on Facebook about an underground
at Mendocino Farms. – What?
– I’m guessing
you never cover your camera. – Well, no.
How would I FaceTime Harlow
when she’s three feet away? – Ugh. Of course. Okay. Well, in a couple of days,
a hotter girl of indeterminate
race will come along and try to figure out her eye colour
based off of her Taco Bell order
and you’ll be swept aside. That is, until you make
the exact same mistake again. – But I don’t want to.
I don’t want any of this
to ever happen again. – There is a solution to this,
but you can’t handle it. Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
– You gotta disappear. Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Where is he? He was everywhere once
and now… totally dark. That’s a choice. Just try and find him.
You gotta go full JTT. – But… but can you restore
my contacts? – You don’t need to reach anyone
and no one needs to reach you. Go dark. Hell,
if I could destroy the memory of us meeting right now,
I would. Just like how everyone forgot
that Kendall Jenner
solved racism with a Pepsi. – I think it’s pretty great.
– Strong agree. – Maybe, can we make my hand
not look so weird?
My fingers are so finger-y. – Yeah, I can see that. What happened to you?
Where have you been? – I walked home. I walked,
because I couldn’t get gas
in my car, because I didn’t want
the gas station to have
my ATM pin, because what if it got cloned? Then I couldn’t call an Uber,
’cause I’ve gone full JTT. Also, I’m an Uber,
so I would’ve
just been calling myself, but… without gas. – What’s full JTT? – It means I’m no longer using
the internet for anything. – What about Instagram?
– That’s the internet. – Shopping?
– That’s also the internet. – Googling pictures of yourself.
– No! Nothing on the internet! The internet is an evil,
destructive thief of our privacy,
and I’m boycotting it.
And so should both of you. – Jeez, I still have
photo-editing to do
on this amazing app that gave me a 22-inch waist,
so I’m gonna have to pass. – Yeah,
not Googling pictures of myself
is kind of a deal-breaker, so… – Okay, at least give up
social media. Facebook. – How would we log on
to all the other apps that we sign into
through Facebook? I mean, this literally
doesn’t make sense, Liza. – You know what? Fine.
But I’m going to do it. And good luck to both of you,
because you’re really in for it. You have no idea what’s coming.
You web junkies. Ooh, chicken sandos. I am starving. – Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup.
You can’t eat these. – What? Why?
– We ordered through Caviar. – Right. Online. The internet. Sorry.
– Mm. – Mm… Liza, you’d be breaking
your own boycott. Those are scab sandwiches.
– Well… since you call them
scab sandwiches, they sound gross
and I don’t want them anymore,
so ha! Even if they do smell delicious. – Mm…
– And I just walked
for three hours. And I haven’t eaten all day.
– You guys, the Murder Train 5 trailer
is out and we have to see
who’s getting back on the train! – Oh, my God!
– Ah… Please be Tom Hardy. – …on a train bound–
– What? You can’t watch a trailer
that’s streaming online.
What about your boycott? – She’s right.
You’re gonna have to wait
until that murder train arrives in theatres and purchase
your ticket to ride – or die! – Ah! Is that the new tagline?
– No, that was the tagline for Murder Train 3D.
– Right, right, right. – Oh, really? Well,
what if I just, I don’t know, go see every single movie
that’s out right now and hope the trailer plays
before one of them? That’s both a completely
sensible and efficient plan. – You’re not gonna do that.
– You don’t know JTT me. You know, I never realized
how pretty this park is. – Pictures,
or it didn’t happen. – Oh.
(laughing) (laughing) – It’s incredible what you can
see when you’re not staring
at a display all day. – I hope somebody
was filming that
so they can put it on YouTube. Where I will not be going
to watch it,
because I saw it live. – Ah, fellow off-liner.
– Yep. I’m Liza. – Jonas. Offline since 2016. – Wow. Really? Three years?
– I’ve got friends who’ve been
doing it much longer. – Wow. My friends
don’t get it at all. – Yeah, we have an entire group
and we’re deeply dedicated
to offline living. But we like to keep it quiet,
because, like your friends, a lot of people,
they don’t understand,
or think we’re radicals. We’re starting a real movement.
The internet is so much more
dangerous than people realize. – Yeah,
you don’t have to tell me. – Would… would you ever want
to come to one of our meetings? I’m actually headed to one now.
I-I think you’d really like
everyone. – Really?
– Mm. – Okay, sure.
– Why not. – Alright. Come on.
– Okay. – Oh, y’know, hey, listen, um, since we spent so much time
erasing our online presence, and you know
how hard that can be, we like to keep our whereabouts
a secret. – Of course. I would never tell. – Y’know, it’s just to be safe,
and I can tell
you’re trustworthy, but, uh, would you mind signing
this quick privacy agreement? – Totally. Hey, I get it.
Privacy’s no joke. – Yes. There you go. Oh, and don’t tell anyone
I’m using a ballpoint. I’ll catch so much crap
No tech means no tech. – I didn’t even see it. There we go. Alright.
– Yeah. Let’s go. – Okay.
– Alright. (fiddle music playing) – Whoa. (Jonas): Gentlemen,
this is Liza. Liza, this is Eli and Roger,
Thomas, and this is Andrew, the man who started
our movement. – We’re so glad to see you. – Ho-ho-ho-ho! Yes!
Oh, this is awesome. I’m Liza. – How do you do? – Okay, seriously,
this is tight. You guys have this dialled in.
Are you… churning butter?
Oh, what? What is that?
You knitting? (blowing)
Okay, that’s a little annoying, but how long
have you all been here? And how did you find each other? – Well, Liza, some of us
have been here
longer than others, but we were all drawn
to each other through a mutual distrust
of technology, specifically the rise
of the internet. – I made one slightly racist
joke on Twitter six years ago
and never deleted it; now I can’t get a job anywhere. I churn butter and sell it
at local farmer’s markets
to earn my keep. – Oh, man, that’s… …the best butter
I’ve ever tasted. Oh! – I couldn’t take one more
message asking me
to update my LinkedIn profile. I already had a great job.
Why did I need to update? And they wouldn’t unsubscribe
me, no matter how many times
I clicked the link! So I just snapped. Now I blow into this jug instead
of sending death threats. – Sure. My bad, man.
Do what you gotta do. – I was running
for public office when I accidentally sent
multiple pictures of my genitals
to a handful of female staffers. They were not receptive
to my advances. Accidental advances. – Oh, yeah. And Jimmy Kimmel
made so many jokes about you. – Accidental.
– Obviously, all our lives have been
negatively affected by technology
in one way or the other. Personally,
I faked a homophobic beating
to get my big raise at work. But these things happen. – Do they?
– The point is, everyone out there is dancing
on the deck of the Titanic, but in here… we’re safe. We grow our own food,
we read books, we have lively discussions
every evening. But most importantly, Liza,
we have our privacy. There’s no one watching
our every move, or sending us targeted ads
for stuff we don’t need, even though we really,
really still want it. In here there’s no one
to make you pay your taxes, or respond to your high-school-
reunion invitation on Facebook, when clearly you have no desire
to reconnect with friends
from high school! We are off the train
that is speeding everyone
towards their doom! And eventually,
this group of people right here
will be the last humans who aren’t slaves
to the government
and Jeff Bezos! – Preach! – We will be safe downstairs
in a fully stocked bunker, where we will wait out
the apocalypse, till we can rebuild
the human race, with Liza as the mother
of all our children! (cheering and laughter) – What?
– Yeah, yeah,
you said you would. – I said no such thing. – Uh…
– Yeah, you did. You said you would bear
all our children
into the new world. It’s… It was in the
that you signed. Did you not read that? – Dammit. Got me again. Ahem. Listen, uh… I think it’s super cool
what you are guys are…
banging out down here, but I’m not okay with the whole
“sex with all y’all in a bunker”
thing. It’s not really my jam.
You get it, right? Ahem. – This is bullcrap!
You’re supposed to be hot
and horny! – Wait a second.
How would you know that
if you’re not online? – Uh… Thomas still has
a RedTube account! – Excuse me, that is YouTube Red
and I use it to watch Cobra Kai. – There’s no more YouTube Red.
They renamed it YouTube Premium, because everyone was
confusing it with a porn site. – How would you know that
if you’re not online? (all): Yeah.
– Yeah… What? Are we gonna act like
you’re not in a relationship
with a cam model from Poland? Which you’re not, by the way,
because you pay. (forced laughter)
– Eli stays up all night watching Japanese
newscaster porn! – It’s the news!
They read the news! – Topless in Japanese?! (shouting)
– That’s about enough. All of you are going online? – It’s just porn.
– Porn doesn’t count. – Oh, yes, porn does count.
– Since when? – I don’t understand
how you think that Amazon– (babel) – …the scourge
of the internet! (babel) – Where am I?
How do I get home? (siren wailing in distance)
If the sun is north… I dunno. (sighing) – Liza?
– Sammi? – I thought that was you!
What are you doing
all the way out here? – I don’t know where “here” is,
but it’s been such a long day,
I don’t know where to start. – I am so glad
that I ran into you. I mean, you never responded
to my DMs. – Oh, I haven’t been
on Instagram in a bit,
because– – Well, now I can just
thank you in person. I mean, everyone was writing
just the worst shit on my Timothée Chalamet
drawing the other day.
I mean, so mean. But you were the first person
to write just a nice comment, and it really
made me feel better
to have someone support me. – Hey, I’m really glad. That…
makes me feel really good. – I know that everyone hates
on social media and all, but, I dunno,
I’ve met so many great people,
like you. Oh, my God. Guess what happened.
Someone saw my Timothée drawing and liked it so much,
they offered me a job. – Wow. Seriously?
– Yeah. Oh, I made you something. Ha.
Now I don’t have to mail it. It’s a portrait… of you! – Wow. You really, um… captured my essence. You can keep it. – Thanks. Thank you. That’s it. I’m officially
out of JTT mode
and I am back online. – Decided you couldn’t
give it up after all, huh? – Look, there are a lot
of bad things on the internet, but there are a lot
of good things too. And the train is moving
with or without me, so maybe the best thing to do
is just stay on and try
to make it a nicer train. Not contribute to the hate
or narcissism, but appreciate it
for bringing people together, or giving us a window
to parts of the world
we might not ever see. – Or… find out what McDonald’s
menu item you are just by putting in
your social-security number
on this great new quiz. – No, not that. Close that.
That’s just somebody trying to take
your social-security number. – I did it. You guys, I finally finished
photo-shopping my picture. – Oh! Oh, my God. – I look amazing.
– It’s perfection.
– Ah. – Use that for everything. – Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, the Halle Berry woman
has been emailing me
for the last two days! I didn’t know
because of JTT mode! They want to see me!
I’m going to Tuscany! I’m sorry, did y’all catch that?
That was a really good pun. I said, “Holy Berry.” – Yeah, we heard.
Don’t do that in front of her. – I won’t.
Not until our first sleepover. – Yes, we were trying
to offer you the job. Quite frankly,
if you can’t respond
to your email in two days, you’re not responsible enough
to look after Halle’s Doodle. Also, we gave the job
to somebody else. – I get it.
But at least you wanted me. You know, I thought for sure
when you got up
and left so fast, it was because you saw
this thing of me online. – No, no, no. I saw
this really incredible piece of Timothée Chalamet fan art
on Instagram, and I had to show Halle
right away. She’s the foremost collector
of outsider Chalamet art. And she, of course, bought it. I am taking this
to the framer’s today. Such a sweet girl. The artist? Halle actually offered her
the Tuscany job. – That’s perfect.
– Oh. And I did see
your Hot & Horny ad. Between that and not responding
to your email… You really need
to get your shit together, girl. – Yeah. I can’t wait to post this. (laughter) (Bleep!), PopSugar! Oh. (laughter)
Ah, what was it? SugarBear? No. – QuizSugar.
– QuizSugar. Argh… – It’s incredible what you get
to see when you’re not…
(laughter) – One more.
(laughter) – Obviously, each of us
has had our lives
adversely affected… What the (bleep!)
…adversely affected… Clearly you have no… (gibberish) – This close to hanging out
with Holly Berry. Then they just sent me home. (laughter)
What? I said “Holly,” didn’t I? (indistinct chatter)
(laughter) Holly! This close to hanging out
with Holle Berry. (laughter)
Halle!! On the next Liza on Demand:
– Oh, my God.
– Sorry. – Women feel the need
to apologize for everything. – Sorry. Sorry. I wish I could stop apologizing
for one day. Ssss…
Why can’t I say it?! – My grandmother died. -Oh, I’m so ssss… stoked. – Oh, my God, Oliver! – You’re unapologetic. – That’s a thing that I am.
Today. – What do you think
about my ponytail? – Oh, I’m ssss… Subtitling: difuze